In the US, death is generally feared, avoided, dismissed. That makes it uncomfortable. The funeral that is supposed to mark an ending gives birth to a new dynamic, as the survivors adjust and fill in for the absent person.

Grief is not one emotion. It is a combination of emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions. Sadness, fear, anger, guilt, even relief take turns in the mind.

Neither is there a standard timeline to process grief. I could think I'm doing fine, and then a reminder brings back all of the emotions I had hidden away. Revisiting that old self is scary, as I have to learn to lose them all over again.

Moving Forward

The next time someone tells you about their loss, resist the urge to one-up them with your own tragedy or to offer platitudes about time healing all wounds. Instead, listen. Ask about the person they have lost. Let them talk about the ordinary details. If you know the person, some of these details may resonate, while you might remember some stories a different way. These details matter. They are what make a person real, how they have integrated the parts of that person's life to help them in that moment of time.

Grief divides us only when we insist on grieving alone. That is the real trouble with grief. Isolation can deprive us of our shared experiences.

Let someone see your broken heart. In that vulnerable moment, you might finally understand you were never alone at all.